WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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