there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
