Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
