I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
