The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
