life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
