i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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