I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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