I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
