I accidentally had phone sex last night
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
