Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
