I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
