I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
