If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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