I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
