Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It's never too late to be topless.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
