I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
