You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
