so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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