just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I understand Curling. That high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I want her autograph on my taint
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
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