I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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