No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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