just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...