I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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