i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
They are going to name an STD after you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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