this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
