I wanna passion pit in your ass
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
