i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
