Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
