I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
