Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
