**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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