You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
did i walk over a car last night?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
