is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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