I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
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Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
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THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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