I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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