and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
