Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
