sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
