my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.