Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE