Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.