It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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