i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
