I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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