We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
