Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The uberlube is also flammable
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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