i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
