just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
