Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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