Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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