i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
