My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
