we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
