Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
