Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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