The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
