i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
