why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
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Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
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no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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