thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
