I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
